I always knew that she would take her own life. For as long as I remember, she always said she believed in what Dr. Kevorkian was doing assisting the elderly or in pain to end their lives. I know it sounds crazy but she always said she wasn't going to live her life in pain or with someone having to take care of her every need. I think she was particularly fearful of Alzheimers. But I never thought it would be before my children were grown.
Although my mom was only 61, she had many problems both mentally and physically. She had been bipolar for a long time and was the poster child for alternating between extreme manic times and extreme depressing times. She was starting to have problems with her memory forgetting entire conversations, or just little details. She also had some physical problems ranging from shoulder issues, migraines, and a weird stomach lesion thing that only allowed her to eat sweets and meat.
Despite all of that (and so much more), I try to remember the good times that I had with her. I am glad that she was able to meet both of my children. She loved them so much, always buying them little toys, and just being happy to read a book or sit on the floor and play with them. I have a few pictures of her with each of the boys, playing with them, and reading, and that's something I'll always treasure.
There are so many other things that stick out in my mind. Although she drove me nuts, we had a lot of good times too. It seemed to alternate every other moment. I was particularly sentimental the other day while I was at Taco Bell of all places. She always loved the verde salsa from there and then it was discontinued for awhile. The other day I saw that it was back, and available in little packets so you could put it on yourself. I thought of my mom and thought what a shame it was that she wasn't around to see that. Stupid, I know, but made me sad nonetheless.
On October 1st, I'll be doing a walk called Out of the Darkness. The goal is to increase suicide awareness and work on methods of prevention. My goal is to raise $500 and I'm almost there. I hope that it can help many people through what I've been through, and maybe prevent some people from making the tragic decision to end their lives.
